I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
