Barsexuality is the new black.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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