Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
