you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
