I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
