i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
