I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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