Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
