if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize