no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
a search helicopter?!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
