I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
