you would pick up someone in the library
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
