my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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