I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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