Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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