my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
