I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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