who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
