I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
