I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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