I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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