DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
