Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize