Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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