Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
