I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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