Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Do vagina's smell?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
