i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
