i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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