; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
