To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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