She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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