i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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