my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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