Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
