I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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