My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
