yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
