if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
