so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize