How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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