I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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