DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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