Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
