I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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