As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
