Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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