closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
