8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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