bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize