They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
