i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
