I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
