how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Who died my cat blue again?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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