I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
