last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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