Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
