Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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