Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
