shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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